Couples’ Roast Battle

[Verse 1] [Male] You say you’re “running late” That’s code for “where’s my brush?” You turn the bathroom mirror Into a traffic crush You call it “organized” I call it “lost in space” Found my wallet, keys, and dignity All in your makeup case [Female] You call that thing a beard? That’s just your chin in pain Your socks form pyramids Your T-shirts know my name You “fixed” the leaky tap By flooding half the flat Congratulations, baby You just invented bath-mat [Chorus] [Both] It’s a couples’ roast battle (ding ding) Same house, same war, new round (let’s go) We talk big, throw jokes, then tattle Still share one couch, same ground You drive me wild, you drive me mad You’re the worst best friend I’ve ever had It’s a couples’ roast battle tonight But we’re laughing ‘cause we both know we’re right [Verse 2] [Female] You’ve got “one more game” That lasts ‘til 4 a.m. Your phone has face ID But forgets my name You say you’ll cook for once You “season” like a storm Fire alarm’s our dinner bell Smoke is your special form [Male] You say you’re on a “diet” Till fries hit the table You “don’t like desserts” But eat mine when you’re able (every time) Your show has 10 new eps I blink, they’re all consumed You swear you “didn’t watch ahead” Then spoil the whole damn mood [Chorus] [Both] It’s a couples’ roast battle (round two) Shared bills, shared blame, same fight (uh huh) We talk sharp, walk back, then prattle Still steal your fries, that’s right You drive me wild, you drive me mad You’re the worst best friend I’ve ever had It’s a couples’ roast battle tonight But we’re laughing ‘cause we both know we’re right [Bridge] [Male] Let’s list your flaws [Female] Grab a chair, this’ll take all night [Male] You leave hair everywhere [Female] You call that dancing “light”? (hey!) [Male] You snore like thunder [Female] You talk in memes [Both] Why do we sound Like one weird team? [Male] I hate your playlist [Female] I hate your friends [Male] I hate your driving [Female] I hate your trends [Both] [spoken, overlapping] You’re so annoying! [Beat drops out] [Both] [spoken, together] …So why do we share one bed again? [Beat slams back in] [Chorus] [Both] ‘Cause it’s couples’ roast battle (ooh yeah) Trash talk, take-out, same spoon (come here) We fire shots, then order a snack And argue over one cartoon You drive me wild, you drive me mad You’re the worst best love I’ve ever had It’s a couples’ roast battle for two And the loser has to say… “I still choose you” (hey!)